Flammable flags health and safety crisis

The WHO has released a report today damning flag makers for their lack of health and safety standards, especially citing flammability as a key concern. According to WHO spokeswoman, Angela Spaceinvader, "We are increasingly concerned that flag makers don't take health and safety guidelines into account when manufacturing their products. Literally every time we switch on the television we see flags spontaneously combusting in warmer parts of the world. We're concerned that someone might get hurt."

The 483 page report especially highlighted the frequency with which American, Israeli and Danish flags have been seen bursting into flames. "We really feel they should be made from a flame retardant fabric" added Ms. Spaceinvader, "It's just a matter of time before someone gets hurt. It's becoming a very serious concern."

WHO are urging parents to keep their children away from flags and to avoid any patriotic or nationalistic paraphernalia at all until safety experts have had time to check compliancy for health and safety standards. Shares of flag manufacturer, Pyropatriotics tumbled 20% upon release of the report, which could damage sales of its new line of Israeli flags that burn with flames of multiple colours and are weaved with a lavender incense thread.

UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said "I think it is a wonderful idea that may inadvertently lead to world peace. America, Denmark and Israel have been consistently inciting violence in the Middle East by allowing flammable flags to endanger civilians who have bought these flags in support of the nations they represent. I personally am seeking a UN resolution against Israel for failing to ensure that Palestinians and other regional innocents have access to safer Israeli flags."

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