Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Cannabis use reduced chance of conception.

More wonderful news today for marijuana smokers as a study in mice shows that cannabis dramatically reduces the chance of conception. Smoking is already known to reduce male fertility and now it looks like the women share this good news too.

British smoker and teen mother Jillian Flangegasket told reporters "Obviously I'm fuckin frilled init! When I was firteen right I shat out the first little Winston, an I dun anuva one when I was 14. Then I started to inhale right, oh yeah and swallow, but it was my Dad that taught me that. It's been 5 years since then and I've only squeezed out two more of the little bastards. That's a 60% reduction in rug-slugs thanks to the weed. It allows me more time for my hobbies like shopliftin and to see my probabtion officer"

British PM Tony Blair was also pleased by the results and has declared that the government will seriously consider providing free weed to young girls on troubled and impoverished estates. "We think this research could have real implications and benefits in areas where education has failed, such as Glasgow.", he said, "We hope to start a trial there next spring starting with a group of 11 year olds who have been identified as high risk underage slags"

Anti-drug lobby group, Women Against Narcotics Campaign, hit back against Blairs statement with an immediate press release. WANC spokeswoman Hazel Strudelfurher said "We are strongly against the governments stance on this issue. It starts off with a few puffs and before you know it these young girls are smoking ecstasy tablets and snorting LSD. Any move that encourages introducing these innocents to drugs is of course a wholy innappropriate response."

When questioned about both Blairs and WANCs opinions, girls at the Glasgow School for Young Mothers were not impressed. "Neeva of'em av gotta fuckin clue wot they is on about.", said 9 year old Charlotte McCarthief. "If they wanna stop us from havin sex they should give us ketamin. I snort a bit of that shit n I can't even fuckin move let alone fuck some geeza"

So far, only Pope Benedict XVI has come out strongly in support of Charlottes ketamin for kids plan. "Anything that stops young girls from having sexual relations outside of marriage and offers an alternative to the un-Christian act of using condoms will make baby Jesus happy. In fact, it is entirely to reduce teen pregancies that the Catholic Church has always been firm in its conviction that Priests should never have sexual relations with young girls."

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Vile Blasphemer said...


Anonymous said...

Surely you're not suggesting some sort of predeliction on the part of catholic priests towards young girls?
I'd have thought the boys were always the tastier option for the clergy. Perhaps I am mistaken...?

chooseDoubt said...

The pope said nothing at all about young boys ;)