Thursday, March 22, 2007

Why not?

If you have ever thought about how it would be to suddenly find yourself a few hundred years back in time then maybe you have also wondered how much you would respect the people around you, their convictions, their beliefs and their behaviours. This is how I feel everyday. I’m not saying that I know a perfect way to be, because above all I know that everything is pointless and that better and worse are subjective and as meaningless as the suffering we may measure them by (which still we do not). I’m only saying that I recognise everything around me to be stupid. It pisses me off to think that I live amongst witch doctors and warlocks and the thronging masses of retards that think this is truth.

As far as I can see we live in a world full of clueless idiots, and I count myself amongst them with no pride nor feeling of compatriotism. Even the wise are disabled by their education as morons within their moronic cultures. “I’m so proud to be Catalan, or African, or English, or Christian or just plain fucking stupid and preoccupied with meaningless meaning and insignificant significance” - I fucking hate it all, the drain on my time and energy, and I just want to be free.

But what is freedom?

To me it is telling my boss to go fuck his father in the ear and saying good bye to all the constraints of companionship, familiarity and responsibility that my loyalty currently binds me to. And I am bound only through choice, only through my understanding and appreciation of the shock it would cause to those to whom I wish no harm if I lived as I want to. Life is the credit card with the unknown limit and the unknown expiration date. I wish to spend it, not cautiously but wildly until it runs dry and collection day is here. I fucking hate this waiting, pretending that something meaningful is happening when really all that is happening is that the unknown date on that card is drawing closers every second. I want to throw it all away, jump on a plane and start off again back in India and then wherever I go from there. I know my life means nothing and so I want to live it in a way that means something to me. I want to live it in a way that keeps me interested, even if fearfully so, of what happens next. I am tired of living in the past, remembering to fear the future as I was taught.

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3 comments:

Louie said...

Just do it then! I quit my job, went to Barbados, met a girl in a bar, and now I'm living with her in Edinburgh.

Not exactly a plan, but it's kinda fun...now if only the idiots would just leave me alone!!!

MothandRust said...

I've had a couple of dreams when I've realised I was dreaming. I think they call it 'lucid' dreaming. It was a great feeling and I knew my brain would catch on soon that I'd found a loophole, so I quickly took my clothes off and ran along the beach swearing and dancing. I couldn't think of anything else to do.

chooseDoubt said...

Louie - plan to do it when my kids are adults and are able to accept their fathers desire to be adolescent ;)

Mothandrust - lucid dreaming is a good thing and something I do often. I find the easiest way to achieve it regularly is when something happens in a dream that I think I'd prefer not to have happened or would have like to try and different way. At that point I realise I can change it and I rewind a bit and from that point I have pretty much complete control. I seem to have a problem with one aspect though - I still have concern for the emotional well being of others (even though they are just dream people) and they are often very scared and confused by my capabilities. So sometimes I direct the dream in fantastic ways but then rewind and calm it because the dream versions of people I know, and even strangers, are shitting themselves hiding under tables and running for the hills. I'm aware I'm dreaming and I'm aware they are not real, but I still feel some sort of responsibility - I have no idea why.